Surrender of the ‘self’ to the ‘Self’

Certain events have occurred in my life recently that have led me to believe that my focus this year will be on surrendering. While in one reality – old 3^rd dimensional paradigm - this may sound like as if I am giving up or that I am accepting my defeat. In my reality though this is and feels like the next step towards Self-realization. It all depends on perception in the end.

On one level, it does feel like as if I am being defeated. The question that remains is then, which part of me feels like that. My answer would be my Ego or also called small self. That part of my being has allowed me – and still is - to experience a sense of individuality on Mother Earth. It has allowed me to feel separate from my fellow brothers and sisters, human or not. The ego is like a grounding point and thus part of the package deal in order for a soul to be incarnated onto this beloved planet.

Those events made me realize on a deeper level that I – read my ego and intellect (mind) – are not capable of and thus highly limited in understanding the intricacies of how the omniverse works. Experientially speaking, it is not capable of taking into account all the variables that contribute to my ‘life’ in particular, let alone ‘life’ in general on the level of the solar system, galactic, universe and so on. Why and on what bases do things happen the way they happen? I honestly and irrefutably do not know. I do not know! And that feels good! Real good! Liberating even.

Control takes on a whole different meaning. Actually depending on the level of experience it may get obliterated all together. Ego has the tendency to take charge of and control your life, because it has an insatiable thirst to be acknowledged –self importance - or in other words it fears to be left out of the equation. It fears non existence, death. What comes to mind is the ego death experience of Sri Ramana Maharshi at the age of 16, alone in an empty room in his uncle’s house situated in the city of Madura in India, oblivious to its meaning and the enormous implications of it. In no way am I claiming that I had the same experience, but I can say that I understand it on a deeper level now as compared to before.

This doesn’t mean, however, that I relinquish my personal power and responsibility. As the matter of fact my ego is still very active but my awareness of its workings has shifted. The focus has shifted significantly from power over to power within. With power over I mean the desire to control and plan my life to a degree that it does not leave room for change. Not wanting to leave anything to chance, minimizing insecurities, doing the most rational thing are just several of the many indicators. It also really doesn’t help being born and raised in Western Europe where the degree of avoiding insecurity is very high. Although I had already embarked on the journey of following my intuition and inner voice more and more this feels different. This feels as if the realization has sunk into my cells as I already feel and notice the implications and so does my partner, family and friends.  It is not fully understood though and by some even experienced as that I am distancing myself or perhaps even experienced as that they are losing me.

For me living my life from my ‘power within’ entails having faith and trust into being led and guided by a powerful, wise and loving source from inside of my being. Practically speaking, this could mean that certain guidance from within might not make sense at all at least not at that point in time given the information that is available then and there. However, the deep trust I have in the authenticity of the guidance, which for me comes as the feeling of unconditional love and a knowing which starts subtle and then becomes solidified, would make me take a leap into the suggested direction now more than ever. It is the deep realization that insecurity is there to teach me to be more vulnerable in order to experience the power of it; the power of an open heart. With every step that I take into the direction of the unknown I see that the feeling of trust in mySelf will incrementally increase. I believe that further down the road this would eventually mean that the personal will be aligned with the Divine will.

I feel that with every step that I take into the unknown I let go of an old belief or thought pattern, which makes me feel lighter every time I do it.

The answer to every question is truly found within as I realized that I do not need to understand everything intellectually.

I only need to surrender into it with awareness.....

In Lak'esh ( I am another You)
Nuri